Ernest, the Troll, and the Golden Pig
By Darrin Allerton, of Ashrindale In the small village of Hortwatch, lying on the fertile banks east of Graywater, a poor swineherd called Ernest Bullaway trudged on in his boring life, poor, and with little chance of it getting any better. Yet it did in one spring, one of his sows produced a pig with golden coloured skin. The other villages were amazed and saw it as an omen. Ernest just saw it as another pig. How he was wrong. The pig grew up to be the fattest in the litter, far fatter than any other pig that the village of Hortwatch had ever seen. That and its' golden skin made people from all corners of the Shores come to see it and they even offered to buy it. But something else happened instead. A troll came by night and carried the Golden Pig away! Ernest, robbed of his chance to escape the depressing little village, took up his father's stick with rock and set off into Graywater to slay the troll and return his Golden Pig. As he ventured deep in Graywater he fought many evil things, the walking dead of former-adventurers, haglike witches who cast all manner of magic to confuse Ernest (little did they know, Ernest was too stupid to notice anyway!), he ran from ogres and ghosts alike. But every troll he found, he promptly killed. An then killed again, and again, and again. Until a passing adventurer told him to burn the creature. None of the trolls were the one who stole his pig, unfortunately. Ernest came to the ruins of some kind of ancient temple, now armed with the battleaxe of a former-adventurer-zombie and the armour of another former-adventurer-zombie, without fear he entered the temple, convinced the troll was in the place. He fought all the way down to the flooded corridors and waded deep below, where he met the troll and his Golden Pig. Ernest yelled, "Vile Troll! Give me back my pig!". The troll replied in turn, "Ga-ju-mag-fafa!". Ernest, not an expert on trollish (aside from their death cries), took this as a 'no' and yelled, "Then fall by... er... some other fellow's axe that I took!" and charged the beast. Just as he got close, another far larger beast swallowed the troll whole! (The Golden Pig was fine, a little fluttered from all the attention and being kidnapped however). Ernest, looking at the far larger and more deadly creature of death and doom gulped and looked to his left at the Golden Pig. He shuddered and said, "How about a game of tig-tag?". The beast, actually a Black Dragon, said "Tig-tag? My favourite!" Ernest raised an eyebrow, "If I win, I get my Golden Pig back!" to which the dragon replied, "And if you lose, I eat you." Ernest gulped again, but nodded. What then came was the most epic battle on the Shores. Both players keenly attacking any move their opponent made ("You can't double tig after a tag tig tag!") but in the end, the dragon was beaten back and with a victorious cry, Ernest yelled "Tag!". This was a mistake. He should have yelled "Tig!". The dragon wryly grinned and moved closer to eat him, saying, "You lost! I get another free meal!" and moved closer again. Ernest looked to his left again, gulped and ran for the Golden Pig. The dragon yelled, "You can't do that, you lost fair and square!" His cry was in vain, Ernest was already halfway out of Graywater, as fast as his legs could carry him. The dragon cried a little for he enjoyed Ernest's company, but the man was a liar and a cheat just like him. He was proud of this little human. And what of Ernest? When he came back to the village, he told his friends of his adventure in the local tavern, getting incredibly drunk, and selling the Golden Pig for two gold coins - more wealth than anyone in the village had ever seen! Category:Books